Somethin'

I probably would have written several days ago if I could have come up with an opening line. I still don't have one but I'm tired of nuffin' and want to do somethin'. It's hard to start again after so long, how do you bridge the gap? I don't really know but one thing is for sure, whatever this post is, that's it.Does such a long break require an explanation? Of course the answer is only if I want to give one, which I kind of do. If for no other reason than to organize myself. And possibly bring any lingering readers (there can't be many) in on my story. This is a personal blog after all.I've sort of talked in circles about my "difficult Fall" with regard to stress. It was actually more like a flare up of the anxiety/depression that I've dealt with for many years. Most of the time I manage just fine, my life is not greatly affected by it. But once every 8-10 years something seems to trigger more serious anxiety. That happened for me on September 29. Was just working and a non-issue work situation arose that just triggered panic. I'm still not totally sure why it happened but it has taken months to work out some theories. It's very unfortunate that it was a work related trigger because work is so inescapable. And after I panicked once, I was extremely nervous about it happening again. Which it did...a bunch.It's been my experience that anxiety kind of takes over. When I'm in it, I can't feel happy, love, joy or really anything besides fear. When the fear subsides, I just feel sad for being taken out of my life. This is especially hard as a mom. I generally did a good job with Will but a few times it was clear how clued in he was. One day he asked me why I was so scared. Then he told me it would be OK. He was right, of course. But that made me very sad.From the very beginning I knew I had to face this. My whole life couldn't fall apart, that just wasn't an option. My first step was to begin seeing a therapist. There I began to unravel the larger issues for me. The things that made me so upset at work were all about making mistakes, not doing a flawless job. I was really afraid of being in trouble. I felt overly responsible for things that were outside my control or not even my job. This is not something I've knowingly struggled with at work before though in my life I've always had a hard time with making mistakes. I can be really hard on myself in that way. Therapy has helped me learn to notice the beliefs and thoughts I have about myself, the mean things I tell myself. And it's helping me replace those things with something true.I also decided to stop going to boot camp. After more than a year, I'd lost 40 lbs and essentially accomplished all the goals I had. And I felt that the energy required for that kind of rigorous program wasn't what I had to give, or even wanted to anymore. So instead I began a yoga immersion course - hatha five days a week for a month (my course is over but I am still practicing several times a week). And at the same time I took a meditation class at the local new age bookstore. The idea around both was twofold. First to learn more about controlling my thoughts instead of just letting them carry me a way. And second, to be "in my body" enough to notice that anxiety (for me) is a very physical experience. I generally have a physical sensation first (cold sweats, racing heart, upset tummy), and then my mind begins thinking of ways to justify the feeling. Both practices help me notice the early signs of an anxiety attack and then refocus before my mind and body become entrenched in it.The one area of my life that I did let go was this blog. Throughout I kind of wondered what role this blog may play in my perfectionist tendencies. For certain, it was one more area in my life where I wanted to perform well. And where I held very high expectations of myself. Letting it go was like exposure therapy...what if I failed? But it was also a relief, letting myself off my own hook. In some ways it was just impossible to maintain it. I mean, I really haven't cared about fashion or entertaining at all during this. My interests have gone to the wayside, hard. And I've also felt intensely private and even now, sharing this story is challenging. Even so, I've been hoping that when I began to feel better I would have the space to pick it back up.And I am feeling better. I've come to understand that anxiety/depression is an actual condition I have, like diabetes or asthma. It's been very difficult for me to accept this, it's mental illness after all. Nobody likes that label. But the fact is that it's all over my family tree. Many of us are treating it in healthy pro-active ways and for others it shows up as alcoholism and other addictions. I've spent a lot of time talking to my family about their experiences and symptoms which was great because I ended up feeling less alone and freakish. This also helped me understand that in addition to the spiritual, emotional, and dietary methods I'd been using, I also needed to consider a chemical component. I was just really resistant to using medication but after 4 months, it was clear there was something missing from my treatment plan. After much research and debate, I've been on Wellbutrin for a month and I finally feel like I'm on a well rounded course of treatment. I still have a mountain to climb (we all do) but at least now I have shoes on.So that's my story. I'm on my way to feeling less like this:And more like this:And that's somethin'.